Flashbacks

I watched the Good Doctor Series 3 Episode 6 about a mother-to-be who died in surgery to save her premature baby.  I started crying when the baby's father first touched his baby.

I suddenly had flashbacks of my first mortality as a team captain - a young newly wed couple excited and hopeful for their first baby.  The patient had a heart condition and a bad case of pneumonia.  When she had to be intubated, the baby went into fetal distress and we did emergency cesarean section.  We were doing CPR while we were closing her up.

Informing the husband of the outcome and showing him their baby was the most difficult thing I had to do, the most important lesson I had to learn.  I sought refuge at the nurse's station and sobbed my heart out at the lavatory.  It was the patient's sister who comforted me and assured me that we had done everything we could, and that it wasn't anyone's fault that the patient died on their mother's birthday.  It should have been the other way around.  It took me a while to recover from this patient's loss, but it made me a better doctor.

Roberto S. Madamba

Remembering daddy Roberto Zamora S. Madamba, today on his 21st death anniversary.

He died on July 10, 2000 at age 47 years old.  He had lung cancer.  He would be forever young.  At the time of his death, he was the special assistant to the General Manager of the Philippine Ports Authority.  From eulogies of co-workers at his wake, I gathered that he was effective and quite efficient in his work and that he could write up reports in an hour that other people took a week to complete in his absence.  I just wonder what his work advice for me would be today, had he lived.

I remember a lot of things about him, mostly the good ones - staying up late tinkering on projects at the dinner table, be it my project calendar or his model airplanes... I remember having my first Motorola cellphone in college, it was mainly to call him when I had difficulties with my subjects ...how patient and understanding he was when I cried at flunking my organic chemistry exam, saying "everything happens for a reason..." Many times I couldn't understand his advice but they are very applicable nowadays. We shared a love for Japanese food, he loved how "wasabe" cleared his sinuses!  

He would comfort me by saying "you're not fat" but then buying a whole sack of cabbage on his next trip to Baguio so that i could go on my cabbage diet - eating cabbage with corned beef or cabbage with potatoes, or cabbage with sardines and a hundred other ways to cook cabbage to be full without gaining weight.

In the end, I realized that I also shared daddy's fear of pain.  He feared pain more than he feared death.  He even prayed for death as an end to all those sufferings.  It was because of those sleepless nights comforting him in his pain that I decided to become a doctor so that I would never ever feel helpless again. Being at peace with the people who mattered the most to him, I believe he was ready to die.  No more pain, daddy.  

We always wonder what life would have been like if you were here, or what you would have thought about our life today.  Just like online communication, we know you are with us and can hear us, even though it gets difficult for us to receive a reply. So I am sending this message to the universe to know that you are remembered and  cherished and loved.  Please take a moment to include him in your prayers for the eternal repose of his soul.  Rest in peace, daddy.

It's a goat's life!

Weekends at our farm provide me with a fresh perspective on life and life challenges.  

For example, it is good to observe how goats interact with one another.  

HORNY goats.  There are goats who are show-offs who lord it over the other goats, who impose their superiority by using their horns and head-butting other goats.  They make sure they get to the best food first 

CORNER goats.  There are goats who are too shy or too introverted to assert themselves and their rights.  They wait in the corner until the horny goats have their fill of the food and settle for the scraps.

SEXY goats. The male goats are sexually pre-occupied with sniffing other goats and running after them trying to mount them.

CLINGY goats.  There is a goat who is blind and often gets into scrapes with branches or get lost in the field, separated from the other goats because she can't catch up.  You hear her always bleating and calling for help. The other goats get annoyed (and sometimes even people too) but I admire this goat humble enough to ask for help when she needs help.

HELPFUL goat.  When the clingy goat needs help, she has a sister goat who usually waits apart from the other goats to guide her where the juicy leaves can be found.  She assists her sister and acts as her guide and bossom friend.  The compassion of these animals for one another shows how people should also be kind and considerate to those with special needs and differently abled when they have difficulty catching up with mainstream education and work.

SURVIVOR goats.  There is a goat who was super adventurous and ended up falling down the ravine and breaking her foreleg.  The wound festered and eventually we needed to amputate.  She delivered twin goats, but both died soon after.  We were thinking of having her slaughtered for mommy's birthday because she couldn't stand and roam the field to feed herself and had to be brought food to survive, but seeing her today standing on three legs instead of four and showing us that she can survive, we see the fighter in this survivor goat.

I wonder in which goat I identify myself with... 

I guess I would most identify with Trixie, my darling Doberman.  She's a big dog always full of energy, so from a distance people immediately get intimidated and even terrified of her. This makes her effective as a guard dog.  When we let her go, she runs across the fields like running a 100-meter sprint in athletics.  Beautiful in grace and speed! 

She nibs the goats to run with her, but they are deathly afraid so they basically run for their lives, giving Trixie a good chase.  Even Boaz, our biggest goat, stumbles when running with Trixie - but this brings out the horsepower in him as he outruns Trixie every time!  The goats misjudge Trixie.  She doesn't want to hurt or eat them.  She just wants to connect and engage...and maybe even play a little.

Trixie is fiercely loyal.  There's no multi-tasking with Trixie around.  When she stands by my side, she demands my full attention just like a little child holding his mommy's face in both hands telling her "mommy, i need your full attention!". When Trixie is around, she needs me to focus on her, to rub her ears, to run and play, to pat her back and to give her hugs.

Yes, I guess I identify more with Trixie because I've heard people call me scary or demanding.  I've demanded other people to focus on the task at hand, to finish the job by providing their full attention, coordinating and collaborating and contributing to what needs to be done. Deep inside, I just want to connect, engage and be appreciated, just like everybody else.