"There are days when your life clouds over and the world gets so dark, that all at once you can't tell night from day..." this song from Miss Saigon seems to echo in my ears.
There are days when I do feel thankful for waking up to another day filled with hope and renewed opportunities but somehow I have difficulty finding the motivation to get up and do anything. What's the use of giving it your best if tomorrow you will probably die anyway?
This is the problem with transitions - some transitions may be painful, because change is not easy. Whether it's the transition from a child to an adolescent, from an adolescent to adulthood, from singlehood to married life, from nulligravid to primipara, from menstruating to menopause. All through the life cycle there are changes which are affected by biological, emotional, psychological, social and mental factors.
I've been struggling with the effects of menopause like insomnia, musculoskeletal pains, vasomotor symptoms like hot flushes, headaches and even depression. I am not one to take medications, as much as I can avoid it... So I take things one day at a time, accepting these transitional changes as part of life.
While others talk about quiet quitting and giving only the minimum compliance to keep from getting fired, I have always used work as a clutch. Work has become a coping mechanism for me to keep me pre-occupied and distracted from the silence that somehow has become so frightening that I am at risk of being enveloped in the darkness and swallowed whole by an overwhelming sense of gloom. Are these thoughts suicidal ideations? I cannot be sure. I keep thinking and praying for death... "for in that sleep of death what dreams may come, when we have shuffled off this mortal coil, must give us pause..."
In that terrible silence, I hear the small voice that whispers to Lola Sising that I just want to be a good girl.... but all the wounds and scars from battles both mental, psychological and social, add to that overwhelming oppression of need and longing and rejection.