Friends, family, colleagues have all grilled me to slow down and take care of my health.
In March 2018, I underwent major surgery for my back due to slipped disc. I experienced some depressive episodes when I thought rehabilition was taking too long and too slow that I might not be able to go back to work. Instead of six months sick leave, I went back to work after 2 months.
In October 2018, I had abnormal uterine bleeding and with years of living with obesity and PCOS, I've had it with taking hormone pills. I underwent endometrial sampling and had a levonorgestrel-releasing intrauterine device (LR-IUD, Mirena) inserted. Instead of taking 2 months sick leave according to the Magna Carta for Women, I took 2 days off and went back to work.
It was end of January 2019 when I was calmly attending our morning endorsments when I felt chest tightness and heaviness, and it was not going away. When my resident measured my BP 160/100, repeated twice, I allowed myself to consult at the ER. After an ECG trace, I was wheeled straight to the heart station for a stat 2DEcho then direct to the ICU. It all happened like a whirlwind, and I shifted to patient mode and let my doctors take care of me. I was obediently following all their instructions. I was taking all my medications. I tried my best to relax, reset and recharge - inspired by doc Gia Sison's CNN videos for Valentine's Day. Feeling better, I went back to work after 2 weeks.
Mindful of taking things slow and reducing stress, somehow, it becomes a vicious cycle and I have difficulty letting go of work. I still end up working late until midnight with all the backlog work on my lap. Is it a crutch I lean on to feel fulfilled or is work becoming who I am?
My batchmate Jay complained that I never updated them on my "anginal attack". They are proud of my accomplishments, but they would be happier if I prioritized my health.
Then Don tells me about the comedian Chokoleit, who died after completing his last performance. It also almost happened to Ely Buendia.
Professionalism can kill you. These artists wanted to finish their sets no matter what, and they ignored the warning signs that they were having a heart attack.
Professionalism can kill you. Chokoleit didnt make it to the hospital alive.
Professionalism can kill you. Is this what I'm doing? Am I working myself to death?
A mentor died recently due to heart failure. I found out about it the morning when I woke up to a terrible migraine pain score 9-10/10. Knowing I was hypertensive, and that I was on blood thinners to prevent heart clots from forming, I was afraid that I was hemorrhaging into my brain, that I would have a hemorrhagic stroke/CVD bleed. But miracle of miracles, I woke up to a new morning, still foggy with pain, but alive... with no neurologic deficits. It really was just another terrible migraine. I rested the whole day. I walked to church to reflect on the whole experience, thinking about life, about living, and about death.
Too much love will kill you
Just as sure as none at all
It'll drain the power that's in you
Make you plead and scream and crawl
And the pain will make you crazy
You're the victim of your crime
Too much love will kill you every time
Lyrics to a song by the band QUEEN, but one that I heard a Filipino artist Jovit sing on tv. I finally realize that too much love for anything, in my case WORK, will kill me everytime. Finally I understand what I have to do. Scared thinking I was going to die, this won't be easy at all, but it has to be done.
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